12 Years and Counting....

"Has it really been 'fill in the blank' years?"

I find myself asking that every year around this time. 12 years... wow... it's hard to think that I've been without Mom for that long. I was 15 when she died... now I'm 27... that's almost half my life. Again I say, wow...

In 12 years, I guess I have learned a few "tricks" on how to get through (aka - survive) this time of year. The first is I remember what those last months with her were like. I remember she took my sisters, a friend, and me to a Jaci Valesquez, Clay Crosse, & Sunday Drive concert about a month before her surgery. We went to a Christian bookstore for a meet-n-greet and got home really late. But what a blast!!! :) I remember Mom and I going shopping for my turnabout dress that year - it was green and we got it at some shop in LaGrange. It took FOREVER to find the right one but I loved it. I remember the night of turnabout - she wanted to hear ALLLLLL about it when I got home. And, yes, I told her ALLLLL about it. lol. I remember wanting to go see The Man in the Iron Mask with a boy but since I wasn't 16 yet, the initial answer was "no." After what seemed like HOURS of begging, I was finally allowed to go - with very specific rules "No hand holding. No kissing. Don't sit too close ("Mom, the seats are right next to each other!") No sharing a drink." Lol... she was funny.

Yes, remembering helps me heal. But, it also makes the hurt all that much more real. I wonder, do my sisters have these kinds of memories? I'm sure they have their own, but how much do they actually remember? I feel guilty sometimes that I had so much more time with her than they did. When you're that young, a few years can seem like a lifetime! I know I can't do anything about that but still.... yeah, that's part of the problem. I can't do anything about it and I want to. At the end of the day, I'm still a big sister with a need to protect my little sisters - regardless of the fact that they are both in their 20s and one is a mother herself now. I guess they will always be little girls to me. And I will always be their big sister. That's not changing any time soon. Don't get me wrong - it's not like we don't talk about her - we do. All the time. Mom is not a taboo subject when it comes to the three of us. We just don't discuss what we don't remember about her... instead we giggle and smile about what we do.

It's crazy to look back on the last 12 years of my life and see the child I was to the woman I've become. Makes me ponder how our life events shape who we become... I mean, who would I be if I hadn't lost Mom so young... would I be the woman of faith I am? Would have I gone to Bible College? Would I have moved to Wyoming? There's a lot more questions than that but you get the idea... have you ever thought about that? Think of one thing that's happened in your life - big or small thing... got it? K, now, what if it never happened? How would your life be different? Kinda makes your head spin, huh?

Guess it just goes to show that there is a greater plan to all this and even in the darkest times, He knows what He is doing. We don't have to worry - He's going to get us through this thing called life. Phew! That's a relief! But, with that relief comes another question - if He's going to get me through, why do I try to do on my own so much?!?!

I think that topic will have to be a whole different blog!!!!

::insert clever title here::

Well, I've had this blog now for over a week now and I've only posted one thing... maybe I should post another huh? Here goes nothing!

I'm through Week 1 of my Couch To 5k Training plan. So far, so good. Talk to me in a few weeks and we'll see if I'm still as optimistic! lol The 5k is at the end of June and my Dad might be out here then. That's an added bonus for me wanting to do it - how cool would it be to have my dad there when I cross the finish, in addition to the rest of my fanclub who'll be cheering me on? He has been one of my biggest supporters in my "I hate the scale" journey. He did weight watchers and lost a TON of weight. Talk about being an inspiration for me! :)

I spent the afternoon yesterday at my sister's house while she did my hair. My nephew had me laughing the whole time. I can't believe how fast he's growing!!!! He's 18 months now and LOVES everything!! If you laugh, he laughs. If you do the Hoky poky, he tries to do the Hoky Poky. He talks a ton - even if you can only understand a few words here & there. When I walked in yesterday he said "Hi Nah-nah!!" We think maybe it's his word for Auntie? Dunno... but it was cute!!! Yeah, he's a hoot!!!

Not much else to report in the world of April.... check back though!!! Something cool might happen!!! lol

Thanks for reading :)

My Near Future To-Do List

I've been inspired. I know a few people who make Bucket Lists for the year - stuff they want to achieve before December 31st. They don't make long lists but they set goals for themselves for the year. I have another friend who just has a Bucket List. He has 100 things written down in a notebook that he wants to do before kicks the bucket. I love both of these ideas!!! So, thanks to these amazing people I am blessed enough to call friends, I have put together a list... part 2010, part Bucket. I'm calling it "My Near Future To-Do List."

1. Run a 5k - okay, stop laughing. If you know me at all, you probably have heard me say "I don't run unless I'm being chased." Well, I've decided that I'm going to give it a try willingly. lol. I tried last summer but quit after 3 weeks because it hurt. Yes. I'm a wuss. Not this time!! There's a 5k at the end of June here in Cheyenne and I'm becoming more determined to run in it. Am I scared? Terrified!!! Will it hurt? Probably. Can I do it? Absolutely. So, here goes nothing!

2. Learn to snowboard - Since I'm making this list in February, the snow sport season is almost over for now. However, it begins again in November so I have hope for this one! This one will also probably hurt! lol

3. Go down a Black diamond run - to do this, I'm probably going to need to do a little more skiing a little more often. But, one day!!

4. Use my new sewing machine and make myself something cool - a skirt for work, a nice vest, something! :)

5. Do something crazy - I'm not sure what this one will be but I can't wait to find out!!!

6. Lose 20 lbs - this seems like such a girlie one!!! But, it's on the list nonetheless.

7. Visit a new country - don't know if this will happen this year but I think it's definitely doable in the next few years!!

8. Go see a show on Broadway in NYC - I love musicals. Pretty sure I get it from my mom. :) What better place to see a musical than on Broadway?!?!

9. Visit NYC - if I'm going to Broadway, I might as well so see the Statue of Liberty, Central Park, & a few other places right? I mean, why not?! :)

10. Learn to fly fish - I started to learn last year but I have a ways to go before I would say I'm good at it so I figure it's okay to put it on the list for this year. :) Thankfully, I have a great teacher who is an awesome fly fisherman!!! :)

So, there we have it. When I say near future, I'm thinking the next 2-3years. I think that's a fair time frame. Some are more short term than others - the 5k for example. (Man, typing that makes my heart start to race with nerves!!!! lol) I'll add to it as things get checked off the list. There are other things in my head for my Bucket List. Maybe I'll write all those down in a notebook....