12 Years and Counting....

"Has it really been 'fill in the blank' years?"

I find myself asking that every year around this time. 12 years... wow... it's hard to think that I've been without Mom for that long. I was 15 when she died... now I'm 27... that's almost half my life. Again I say, wow...

In 12 years, I guess I have learned a few "tricks" on how to get through (aka - survive) this time of year. The first is I remember what those last months with her were like. I remember she took my sisters, a friend, and me to a Jaci Valesquez, Clay Crosse, & Sunday Drive concert about a month before her surgery. We went to a Christian bookstore for a meet-n-greet and got home really late. But what a blast!!! :) I remember Mom and I going shopping for my turnabout dress that year - it was green and we got it at some shop in LaGrange. It took FOREVER to find the right one but I loved it. I remember the night of turnabout - she wanted to hear ALLLLLL about it when I got home. And, yes, I told her ALLLLL about it. lol. I remember wanting to go see The Man in the Iron Mask with a boy but since I wasn't 16 yet, the initial answer was "no." After what seemed like HOURS of begging, I was finally allowed to go - with very specific rules "No hand holding. No kissing. Don't sit too close ("Mom, the seats are right next to each other!") No sharing a drink." Lol... she was funny.

Yes, remembering helps me heal. But, it also makes the hurt all that much more real. I wonder, do my sisters have these kinds of memories? I'm sure they have their own, but how much do they actually remember? I feel guilty sometimes that I had so much more time with her than they did. When you're that young, a few years can seem like a lifetime! I know I can't do anything about that but still.... yeah, that's part of the problem. I can't do anything about it and I want to. At the end of the day, I'm still a big sister with a need to protect my little sisters - regardless of the fact that they are both in their 20s and one is a mother herself now. I guess they will always be little girls to me. And I will always be their big sister. That's not changing any time soon. Don't get me wrong - it's not like we don't talk about her - we do. All the time. Mom is not a taboo subject when it comes to the three of us. We just don't discuss what we don't remember about her... instead we giggle and smile about what we do.

It's crazy to look back on the last 12 years of my life and see the child I was to the woman I've become. Makes me ponder how our life events shape who we become... I mean, who would I be if I hadn't lost Mom so young... would I be the woman of faith I am? Would have I gone to Bible College? Would I have moved to Wyoming? There's a lot more questions than that but you get the idea... have you ever thought about that? Think of one thing that's happened in your life - big or small thing... got it? K, now, what if it never happened? How would your life be different? Kinda makes your head spin, huh?

Guess it just goes to show that there is a greater plan to all this and even in the darkest times, He knows what He is doing. We don't have to worry - He's going to get us through this thing called life. Phew! That's a relief! But, with that relief comes another question - if He's going to get me through, why do I try to do on my own so much?!?!

I think that topic will have to be a whole different blog!!!!